Entering a Split Personality — Chapter 63

Dying and being reborn.

This would have a great impact on anyone. It would be enough to let someone who had lost everything find the light of hope, or to let someone in an abyss find a ladder leading upwards.

But...Yun Qing wasn’t surprised or taken aback. He only bent his head slightly, looking fixedly at Xiao He, and said softly, “Don’t talk nonsense, you would never feel apologetic to me.” 

Xiao He looked at him in a daze, his heart brimming with pain and regret.

The man before his eyes had refined features, and when he bent his head slightly, his hair fell softly down, like a slender willow in a spring breeze, casting ripples across the surface of a lake. He was so beautiful it moved the heart.

But...Xiao He saw what was within his eyes.

There was no longer the slightest luster in those magnificent, exceptional eyes. They were like a pool of stagnant water, all their vitality lost. They were so still they were like a lonely grave on a high peak late at night, with only the cold wind and silence left, filled with desolation and despair. 

Xiao He’s heart seized with pain, and he knew...Yun Qing didn’t realize he had come back to life at all.

He had sunk completely into his own world.

Xiao He hadn’t died.

Xiao He had been with him, staying with him and depending on him, holding him and accompanying him. In those brief six years, he’d stopped at the most beautiful moment.

But this situation was only the result of a mental breakdown. He couldn’t depend on it, so he drew a beautiful blueprint for himself and lost himself in it, unwilling to wake up.

Yun Qing was alive.

But Xiao He clearly understood.

He himself was dead.

His physical body had died, cleanly and neatly, and he had no more worries from now on. 

But Yun Qing had trapped himself, trapped himself in that day, that hour, that moment. 

He had vital signs that couldn’t be erased, but his heart was dead and his spirit was extinguished.

This was countless times more terrifying than death.

Xiao He felt so distressed he almost couldn’t breathe.

It was him who had hurt Yun Qing to this point. 

It was him who had destroyed Yun Qing with his own hands.

It was him...who made this man who couldn’t fall, collapse. 

Xiao He grabbed Yun Qing’s clothes, breaking into sobs. “Yun Qing, wake up, please, wake up, I’m not dead, I’m alive. I know everything. I was the one who was wrong…”

Xiao He hadn’t finished speaking, but Yun Qing pressed a hand to the young man’s mouth and said softly, “Don’t say silly things, you’ve always been by my side. You haven’t gone anywhere, and what’s more…” He suddenly smiled, smiled beautifully, softly and happily. “How could I let you die?”

“Everyone on earth can die, but you alone can’t die.” 

His tone was gentle and graceful, but when it entered Xiao He’s ears, it made his mind tremble.

It turned out that when he had done that, Yun Qing had blamed himself.

He blamed himself because Xiao He had committed suicide.

He couldn’t move on because Xiao He had died. 

Xiao He didn’t dare to imagine it at all anymore. He felt he’d only touched upon the tip of the iceberg of Yun Qing’s immense sorrow, but he was already about to be buried in this intense despair.

He didn’t dare to imagine how great of a blow Yun Qing had suffered at that time.

No...it couldn’t be like this.

Xiao He took a deep breath, and once again touched upon that forbidden area that he hadn’t dared to touch or mention.

“Master, I don’t like Luo Fei…”

Once he mentioned that man’s name, Yun Qing’s figure trembled faintly, and his arms unconsciously tightened around him.

Xiao He was in pain, but his heart eased. He knew he’d grasped the crucial point.

This was the sore point that Yun Qing couldn’t get over. He had to help him get rid of it!

“I know everything now. I was the one who destroyed my own clan because of a mistake, and you were the one who acted to save the realm. It was you who rescued what was originally irretrievable, and it was you who saved me. Master, I know everything now!”

Yun Qing frowned slightly and didn’t speak. 

Xiao He continued, “I misunderstood you back then. I believed it was you who killed my family, Master, so I lost my reason at the time. I truly love you, love you deep in my bones, so when I heard that it was you who did it, I just felt like all of heaven and earth had collapsed. I didn’t know what I would do for the rest of my life at all. What’s more, even though it was like that, I didn’t hate you, I really didn’t. I was just afraid, very afraid, because I felt that if I didn’t enrage you, I would choose to forget the grudge of my clan’s destruction, and I would choose to be with you regardless of everything. But that would be too terrible, Master, really… If I really did something like that, would I still be human? Could I still be seen as human? That's why I hysterically said those things. I wanted to provoke you...and I wanted to cause my own death.”

These were Xiao He’s true thoughts at the time. He didn’t feel much for the family that he’d never seen before, but that didn’t mean he could accept that his lover had killed all of them.

The hurdle that he couldn’t cross had always been his bottom line as a human being. It had never been only revenge.

He provoked Yun Qing like that to punish him, but he was also really tormenting himself.

From the very beginning, he had thought of death.

It was just that...he hadn’t thought that the truth was actually like this.

Xiao He cried as he spoke. He went on for so long that his voice was a little hoarse, but he was unwilling to stop.

After a long while, Yun Qing finally spoke, lightly, swiftly and a little unfathomably. “How can I trust you?”

Abruptly startled, Xiao He looked up at Yun Qing. He saw the ice-cold withdrawal in his eyes, but he wasn’t nervous, and instantly relaxed instead.

“Master…” He just wanted to confirm it again.

Yun Qing looked back at him. “You said you liked me, and then you said you were lying to me, and the one you liked was someone else. You called out his name before dying, and you weren’t even willing to give me a last glance. But now you’re saying you don’t like him, and the one you like is me. Oh...that’s not right, it’s that you love me. But, Xiao He, which words of yours should I listen to in the end? Which words should I believe when all is said and done? You always say that you’re being honest, but in the blink of an eye you say you’re lying to me again…I can’t tell the difference anymore.” 

Xiao He heard his calm voice, but his heart felt as if it were stabbed by the point of a needle, constantly aching with pain. 

“I love you, Master, please remember it. I do love you. From the first time I saw you when I was seven years old, to the moment before death, I always loved you… No, that’s not right…” Xiao He suddenly lifted his head and looked at him with wide eyes. “Yun Qing, I’ve loved you since the last world, and the world before that. I’ve always deeply loved you, I…”

Yun Qing narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”

Xiao He’s eyes lit up, and he said urgently, “It is like this, Yun Qing. It might be a little unbelievable, but it’s true, I…”

He told him about reality again. Yun Qing listened with a frown, and finally asked softly, “You mean that everything right now is fake?”

Xiao He hesitated for a moment, but he still nodded.

But he was soon stunned by Yun Qing’s next words.

“If, as you said, everything here is produced and controlled according to my intentions, then… I loved you at first sight, and I longed for you to love me. My greatest desire was to always have you and never lose you. So why would Luo Fei still appear? Why would there be so many bumps in the road? Why was I still unable to achieve my desire?”

That’s right...Yun Qing was different from the last world’s Fan Shen.

Fan Shen had a misunderstanding, but Yun Qing...was far more mature and rational than him, so he would never imagine up a Luo Fei.

But...the obstacles between Yun Qing and him were really so numerous that he didn’t even dare to recall them.

Xiao He couldn’t quite figure it out, but Yun Qing suddenly spoke. “Hurry and leave this place.”

Startled, Xiao He looked up at Yun Qing. “What?”

“Hurry and get out of this world!” Yun Qing’s voice was harsher than it had ever been before.

Xiao He’s heart jumped, and he pulled on his master’s sleeve in a flurry, panic and anxiety in his eyes. “Master, you…”

“It’s very dangerous here. Xiao He, I believe you, I believe everything that you said.” He pursed his mouth, the depths of his eyes filled with darkness. “So you have to hurry up and leave.” 

Xiao He still couldn’t quite understand the situation, and he wanted to ask a few more questions, but Yun Qing pushed him far away and said deeply, “You have to survive to wake me up.”

Abruptly jarred, Xiao He came back to himself.

He felt this world rapidly collapsing, and he remembered the last words Qin Su had said.

This mental world was very unstable. If he continued to stay here, he might be stranded here forever.

When that time came, how could he still talk of saving Fan Shen?

At the last moment, Xiao He looked up at Fan Shen.

All he could see was an increasingly uncertain figure and the ruins of a rapidly shattering world.

Xiao He shouted out to him loudly, and at the last second before his consciousness disappeared, he heard Yun Qing’s voice.

“Don’t trust me too much…”

Xiao He woke up from his deep sleep. He opened his eyes, but his mind was still a little dazed.

Qin Su had never left. Seeing him wake up, he let out a slight breath of relief and immediately helped him open the connective device.

Xiao He lay on the bed and tilted his head a little. Seeing Fan Shen sleeping steadily, his fast-beating heart finally eased. 

He couldn’t tell reality and imagination apart.

But fortunately, Fan Shen was still at his side.

Qin Su didn’t make a sound. He quietly waited for Xiao He to calm down.

After about ten minutes, Xiao He got up. After taking a drink of water, he slowly told him what had happened in this world.

Qin Su listened with a frown, but didn’t interrupt him.

Until Xiao He finished speaking.

Only then did Qin Su ask, “You lost your memories as soon as you entered the world? When you left, the young master warned you not to trust him?”

Xiao He nodded. He couldn’t quite figure it out, but he felt that Yun Qing must have discovered something at the last moment.

But Yun Qing couldn’t tell him, and only reminded him at the end.

Xiao He was still pondering it, but Qin Su spoke.

“Mr. Xiao, we may have to alter the contract we agreed upon at the beginning.”

Startled, Xiao He asked, “What do you mean?”

Qin Su pushed up his glasses and said in a level voice, “At the beginning, we promised that participating in the treatment would never put your life in danger. But at this moment, I have to warn you that the treatment process from now on may be extremely dangerous.”

Xiao He’s mind moved, and he creased his brows and said, “You mean that I might die inside?”

“Yes...he wants to kill you.”

***

The author has something to say:

Muah~! The update is a little late. I really haven’t been able to adapt lately, I’m too busy, waaaaahh. After this I’ll be running over and working on another novel. 

***

banoffee: 2 hours and 42 minutes for 2,185 words, or 7.4 minutes for every 100 words. A decrease in rate by 2.8 minutes~

"There was no longer the slightest luster in those magnificent, exceptional eyes. They were like a pool of stagnant water, all their vitality lost. They were so still they were like a lonely grave on a high peak late at night, with only the cold wind and silence left, filled with desolation and despair."

"那双风华绝世的眸子里再也没有丁点儿光泽，犹如一滩死水，失去了生机，消弭了涟漪，沉寂的像深夜高岭上的孤坟，只剩下冷风和幽清，满是寂寥和绝望。"

lol, I got all my six new vocab words for the day just from this one wordy sentence. 

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