Entering a Split Personality — Chapter 73

“I thought that you would never come to see me again.” 

A single, simple sentence made Xiao He’s head ring. Immediately afterwards, as if he’d opened a box that had been lying dusty and unused for a long time, countless memories surged out.

Xiao He knew that he’d found the key to the memories stored in his computer, so they surged out at once. He suffered a certain shock and felt a little dizzy, but fortunately he still remembered that Li Liuyun was beside him. He was afraid Li Liuyun would take the chance to escape, so at the critical moment, he injected the other man with a dose of anesthetic, making him collapse unconscious.

And once he finished this act, those disordered, complicated memories completely invaded Xiao He's mind.

Xiao He...the Xiao He who had been the Imperial First Marshal wasn’t as unbearable as he’d imagined.

He had indeed betrayed Fan Shen, but there were countless misunderstandings involved in this.

Fan Shen had a brother who was only one year older than him. His name was quite similar as well. He was called Fan Chen.

In contrast to the way Fan Shen had been meticulously groomed ever since he was a child, Fan Chen’s health had been weak since childhood, and he hardly ever appeared in front of people. The people who’d seen him before could be counted on one’s fingers.

According to reason, since they were both princes, they shouldn’t have been treated so differently.

However...the disparity between them was so great it couldn’t be measured.

The publicly-announced reason for this was that Fan Chen was frail and it wasn’t easy for him to make appearances, but there was actually an unspeakable secret to this.

Fan Shen’s parents were deeply in love and doted on each other.

But Fan Shen’s father had done something wrong, though you might not be able to call it his fault.

Fan Shen’s mother was Xiao He’s aunt. Her name was Xiao Qing.

Xiao Qing had a twin sister named Xiao Xue.

The two women looked exactly the same, and they were both devastatingly beautiful. No one had ever been able to tell them apart.

After they grew up, the Xiao family chose the more steady, easy-mannered Xiao Qing for a political marriage to the royal family, and left Xiao Xue behind.

But Xiao Xue was unreconciled. She admired the emperor, Fan Qing's prestige, and idolized his heroic, imposing air. Under the force of her obsession, when Fan Qing was drunk one night, she took the chance to put on Xiao Qing’s clothes and sleep with him.

Afterwards, she came to her senses and fell into a panic. She ran away for fear of being denounced and criticized, concealing this event. 

And Fan Shen had been powerfully drunk at the time, so he only took it as a passionate night with his beloved wife, and didn’t put too much thought into it. 

Another ten months passed like this, and when Xiao Qing had been pregnant for eight months, Xiao Xue actually gave birth to a baby first.

At the time, Xiao Xue had already married someone else, and no one thought much more about it. They only took it to be her having her husband's child.

When Xiao Qing visited her sister back then and saw the newborn baby, she thought that his features looked a little familiar, but she didn’t think too much about it.

This lasted until Xiao Qing gave birth to a son. The two children slowly grew older, and everyone inevitably found out.

Fan Shen’s features were just like his father’s, and Xiao Xue’s son looked exactly the same as Fan Shen.

If Fan Shen’s looks had taken after his mother, then that could still be explained. After all, Xiao Qing and Xiao Xue were twin sisters.

However...Fan Shen didn’t look like his mother, or rather, one should say that they didn’t even have the slightest resemblance.

When the two children reached a year in age, it could no longer be concealed. Crying bitterly, Xiao Xue explained the whole story. Xiao Qing almost fell apart.

Xiao Xue’s marriage broke down, and she was confined at home. Once Fan Qing found out, he apologized to his wife in every possible way, endlessly upset.

Xiao Qing was furious at her sister’s betrayal, but the die had been cast, and the baby was already born. She couldn’t throw out someone of Fan Qing’s bloodline.

Thus...Fan Chen regained his status as a prince, and the barely fourteen-month-old baby soon passed two years of age.

Even as time went on, seeing how similar the two children were, Xiao Qing was unable to forget Fan Chen's origin.

Her beautiful marriage had been destroyed by her own sister. She was never able to cross this hurdle in her heart.

They were both princes, and they both had the right of inheritance. Xiao Qing inevitably thought deeper into it.

But without Xiao Qing doing anything, Fan Qing felt self-consciously guilty and made a move on his own, locking away this illegitimate child. 

This was the source of the excuse that Fan Chen’s weak health made him unable to leave the house. 

No one knew what Fan Chen thought, growing up under such circumstances.

A section of Xiao He’s own memories followed this.

He was seen as the pillar of the family and groomed since he was young, but Xiao He didn’t live happily.

He only existed for the sake of winning honor for his family, and he only lived for the sake of constantly obtaining glory.

Joining the army, killing the enemy and reaching the position of general wasn’t what he wished for at heart.

It was just that if his family needed it, he’d do it. 

Going on like this step by step, Xiao He never had a friend in all his more than twenty years of life. He saw loneliness as the normal state of his life.

This lasted until...he was chosen by the emperor himself to become the teacher of the prince.

When he first met Fan Shen, Xiao He was a little jealous.

This prince was a pillar of the realm as well, but His Majesty had never pressured him to learn, do or win anything.

But he was different from Xiao He’s reclusive nature. He was as warm as the summer sunshine, hard for people to ignore.

Xiao He didn’t have any friends, but with a student like this, he found unparalleled satisfaction.

The happiness Fan Shen gave him was something that he’d never enjoyed in the twenty-seven years before.

The company Fan Shen gave him was something he’d never even dared to imagine in the twenty-seven years before. 

Free of his burdens, no longer chasing fame and fortune, Xiao He experienced what it was to truly live by Fan Shen’s side. 

Familiarity bred fondness. Xiao He was someone who desperately lacked affection in his bones. He took Fan Shen as his student and his friend...but slowly, the boy became his one and only.

So when Xiao He's old illness recurred and Fan Shen treated him well when he was weak, he made a lot out of it.

In the hazy night, their passion overflowed.

Xiao He couldn’t tell who made a move first. He could only say that when their love reached such a depth, they couldn’t hold back anymore.

They began a relationship, and once it began, it could no longer be controlled.

Fan Shen loved Xiao He deeply, so how could Xiao He not do the same?

The deeper and more intensely he loved him, besides filling his heart with joy and contentment, the more it produced uneasiness and apprehension as well. 

Xiao He was ten whole years older than Fan Shen. Fan Shen was only seventeen years old, and he was his student, but Xiao He...had seduced him. 

Could there be a stable relationship between two men?

Not to mention that Fan Shen would ascend the throne in the future.

Was there...a future for them?

These were things that Fan Shen wouldn’t even think about at his age, but they tormented Xiao He day and night until he couldn’t sleep.

Then Xiao He grew afraid.

He had the idea of escaping, but when he revealed only a trace of it, Fan Shen chased him back and captured him with passion so hot it was about to combust.

Xiao He was afraid, but in the end he wasn’t scared anymore.

Since Fan Shen treated him like this, what was there still for him to think about? 

He loved Fan Shen, and undoubtedly would all his life.

If Fan Shen turned his back on him...then he...then he…

Watching on, the future Xiao He subconsciously didn’t dare to imagine it, because even he couldn’t guess what he’d do if that day came.

He only hoped that a day like that would never come.

But things turned out contrary to the way he wished. The more Xiao He was afraid and wanted to hide from it, the faster it rushed into his sight.

Fan Shen finally grew bored of him.

Fan Shen betrayed their relationship.

Fan Shen didn’t want him anymore…

With his eyes wide open, Xiao He saw his beloved embracing someone else, saying sweet words and pledging undying love. The two of them promised to be with each other all their lives. 

Xiao He felt his vision going dark. He couldn’t see the road before him or tell which way he was going. This heart-piercing, bone-gnawing pain was unlike any he’d ever suffered before in his years on the battlefield, at the hands of the fiercest of monsters.

Since they were fated to be unable to reach the end, why did Fan Shen promise him so much?

Xiao He stood there blankly, watching the handsome boy and happy girl embracing as if they were in a painting, so sweet it was as if they could tint the entire world.

He should leave. He should wake up and understand the truth from now on.

But...he was unreconciled.

Xiao He was unreconciled!

He didn’t have a single friend, and he’d never experienced a trace of warmth before. He’d already taken Fan Shen to be the most important person in his life.

But he...why did Fan Shen have to treat him like this!

However hot Xiao He’s heart burned before was how ice-cold it was now. He couldn’t believe or accept it. He strode forward, breaking into their world.

And then...Xiao He saw the uneasiness in Fan Shen’s eyes.

Uneasiness? Why did he have to be uneasy?

Xiao He looked at him quietly, and the words he spoke were as calm and cold as before. “Come with me, okay?”

“I didn’t see anything, and nothing happened. Come back to me, okay?”

“Fan Shen, I know you’re playing a joke on me, but this isn’t funny at all. Come back with me, okay?”

Xiao He had never sunk so low in all his life. 

But if Fan Shen was willing to come back, Xiao He really could avoid arguing about all of this, and pay no attention to what was happening before his eyes. He wouldn’t even get involved in it at all.

After all, Fan Shen was still young, and it was easy to be impetuous at his age. Xiao He could tolerate and forgive him, as long as he came back to his side.

As long as they could be like they were before, and Fan Shen still loved him, then...he was willing to say words like these that almost abandoned all dignity.

But...what Xiao He awaited was only the young man’s cold heartlessness.

“Xiao He, I’ve grown tired of this. No matter what happens between two men, it can’t compare to what a man has with a woman. You’re very pretty and good-looking, but you’re a man in the end. How can you compare to a girl like this, as fresh and tender as a flower?” 

“Xiao He...this should be enough. I’ve stayed with you this long, and it should be enough.” 

“We could never have a future in the first place. Didn’t you know that perfectly well? I’ve figured it out now. I was indeed infatuated with you, but all I liked was your body. Once I’ve grown up, you’ll be old. What will you still have then?”

Every word cut straight to his heart.

Xiao He stood there looking at him. A familiar face, voice and air, but his words were those of a complete stranger.

I’ve grown tired...this is enough...you’ll be old by then…

Was this all they had between them?

Xiao He’s heart almost stopped beating. But even though it was like this and he’d already been trampled into the mud, he still didn’t want to believe it.

“Fan Shen...are you saying this because you’re angry at me? Can you tell me what I did wrong? I can change...I can…”

“...I love you, Fan Shen...I love you…”

“Love?” The boy’s frigid words were as cold and piercing as shards of ice. “Don’t make me laugh, you can’t even compare to a hair on her head!”

“I’ve already grown tired of this, and I’m sick of holding a man. Do you know, sleeping with you, I only feel boundless loathing and disgust!”

“Xiao He, stop your wishful thinking. Do you deserve to be with me?”

***

The author has something to say:

Ahem...if you have time you can take a look back at Chapter 66~ The last three sentences have shown up before~ 

Um...this chapter is something I’ve planned out before, 3P with a pair of twins, very touching~ How wonderful! It’s just a pity that when I wrote it out, it was too serious and angsty, so let’s just satisfy ourselves with this! Muah!

I've been a bit busy for the last few days, and I’ve actually really wanted to blow up, I wasn’t able to write enough every time. It’s just that the time really didn’t allow it, sorry. Once I’m not busy anymore, we’ll enjoy ourselves together~!

***

banoffee: the plot thickens...

3 hours and 17 minutes for 2,420 words, or 8.1 minutes for every 100 words. An decrease in rate by 0.2 minutes...that's a surprise.  

There's a lotta names in this chapter. 

Xiao Qing, the empress dowager and Fan Shen's mother: 萧晴 (Xiāo Qíng). 晴 means clear (weather).

Xiao Xue, Fan Chen's mother: 萧雪 (Xiāo Xuě). 雪 means snow. Some symbolism here—a cold-hearted bitch I guess, and snow covers up the clear sky. 

Fan Qing, the old emperor and Fan Shen's and Fan Chen's father: 樊青 (Fán Qīng). 青 means nature's color, which can be green, blue or black depending on context. Not only do Xiao Qing's and Fan Qing's names sound similar, they share the 青 character; it's like they were destined to be together! 

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