Entering a Split Personality — Chapter 34

Thank you to Lulith and another supporter for helping me out during midterm week! 🐯💐🌷

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Fan Shen kissed him, Fan Shen kissed him!

The child he’d raised himself actually kissed him!

Xiao He was completely dumbfounded, and he couldn’t recover for a long time.

When he finally reacted and thought to question him, he opened his mouth and Fan Shen dove straight in.

This time, he couldn’t deceive himself anymore.

This wasn’t a childish brush of the lips, but a real kiss brimming with affection.

Fan Shen kissed him fervently and forcefully, as if he’d suppressed himself for a long time, and there was finally nothing stopping him anymore. He wildly poured his heart full of love into him through this possessive and dominating kiss.

Xiao He wanted to retreat, but his back was up against the wall. He wanted to struggle, but Fan Shen had one hand tight around his waist, and the other behind his neck. His entire body was pressed firmly against him, without the slightest gap.

He couldn’t retreat, and he couldn’t escape. He was forced to arch his neck and let Fan Shen kiss him, offering himself up like a sacrifice.

This kiss was so long it exceeded his imagination. Xiao He was shocked at first, then his heart felt chilled, and finally he started to feel dizzy.

Fan Shen’s scent, the warmth that passed through his clothes and the constant touch of his lips and tongue were constantly attacking him.

This lasted until the tip of Fan Shen’s tongue inadvertently swept past somewhere on his palate… Xiao He suddenly trembled, and he felt as if an electric current had flashed through him, so limp and numb it was hard to describe.

No...he couldn’t do this! Xiao He wanted to resist, and he wanted to escape. 

But Fan Shen was on alert, and he immediately noticed the difference in Xiao He. He locked lips with him and tried touching his palate again. 

Xiao He instantly trembled all over, and he couldn’t hold himself up anymore. 

Fan Shen sucked his lip, smiled lightly and said, “Does it feel good?” 

Xiao He went soft at the knees, but he still had some lingering reason in his head. “Little Fan...let go of me. I’m not your biological father, but I’m still the one who raised you. You can’t…”

He hadn’t finished speaking yet when Fan Shen lowered his head again and kissed him yet more fiercely. 

How could Xiao He say something like this?

How could he know what he felt?

He thought and thought until he almost went mad. What about him? Xiao He didn’t have him in his heart at all.

Intense desire followed his long-suppressed pain. Fan Shen seemed like he was punishing Xiao He, and more so like he was tormenting himself.

“I never saw you as my father.”

He kissed his lips, again and again, full of moving sorrow that couldn’t be said, but when he spoke it was like the devil was talking.

“Do you know why I started sleeping in a different bed? Because with you by my side, I couldn’t help wanting to touch you, stroke you, do lots of things I shouldn’t do to you.” 

“Do you know why I stopped asking for good morning kisses from you? Because you only had to touch me without the slightest affection behind it, and my blood would heat up with passion until I wanted to violate you, possess you, and stain those clean eyes of yours with lust.”

Xiao He looked at him. These words completely leached away the color in his face.

 Fan Shen felt a little bad for him at the bottom of his heart, but the thrill of saying everything that was on his mind soon occupied his thoughts. 

He was finally telling him everything he could never say out loud.

He could tell him of his intentions, of his affection, of his love so intense it was irrevocable.

If Xiao He liked it that was fine, and if he didn’t like it that was fine too. Without the shackles of the words “father and son,” Fan Shen could say this without holding anything back. 

And Xiao He could only accept it.

There was no one in the world who could snatch Xiao He from his arms, and there was no one in the world who understood this man more than him. 

Xiao He could only be his!

Fan Shen kissed him and impatiently tore off the clothes that were in the way.

Xiao He passively bore it, and when Fan Shen finally pulled away from his lips for an instant, he whispered a sentence: “But I’ve always taken you to be my own child.”

Even if you don’t take me as your father, even if you’ve suppressed so many emotions.

But in my eyes, you’re the child I brought up to adulthood myself. You’re the child I diligently cherished and carefully raised, and you’re the child I invested all my affection in.

From the age of seven months to the age of eighteen years. 

I really took you to be my own son.

But now you…

Xiao He stared at him blankly, and the disappointment that welled up from the bottom of his heart almost drowned him. 

He couldn’t clearly say how he felt. It was like all his previous effort had been paid in vain, like he’d been betrayed, like...everything he trusted in had disappeared without a trace.

He didn’t move and looked straight ahead, but his eyes filled with liquid. With the slightest sway, large teardrops came tumbling down. 

Fan Shen saw his empty eyes and continuously flowing tears, and his heart suddenly seized. 

He kept saying that he didn’t care what he thought, but when he saw this expression, he couldn’t go on with his actions anymore.

Fan Shen stopped his movements, reached out and stroked Xiao He's fair neck, and said roughly, “You’re this upset when I treat you this way?”

Xiao He stared blankly at him and didn’t make a sound.

Fan Shen looked at his tears, and felt like all that bitter liquid was flowing into his heart. “Even if we’re not father and son, you still can’t accept me?”

Xiao He closed his eyes, and after a long while, he finally said, “Let go of me.”

Fan Shen’s hand stiffened slightly, but at last he moved away, and released the shackles that bound him. 

Xiao He got up calmly, smoothed down his clothes and said softly, “Since you already know everything, then there’s no need for me to conceal it anymore. You are indeed not my child. I’ve never gotten married, so I naturally don't have any children. We have no blood relation, but...you should at least feel some gratitude for me having raised you. I can’t be called a good, qualified father, well…I should say, I can’t even be called a father.” Xiao He smiled self-deprecatingly, then continued, “But, Little Fan, I take you to be my son. I truly take you to be my own child, so...please leave me a little dignity.” 

No matter what, he couldn’t bear being violated by someone he thought of as his own child.

Even if this was only a mental world, even if everything had been false from the start.

But it was eighteen years. In reality, he had only lived for twenty-six years.

He had truly invested too much of his feelings, so leave a thought for him. 

Fan Shen looked at him blankly. His expression was calm, but those eyes, once beautiful as the clear sky, were covered by a layer of dark mist that couldn't be washed away.

“I understand.” His voice was low, so low it almost settled into the dust on the ground.

He thought that they weren’t father and son anymore, so he could obtain him.

It was a pity he’d been carried away by his wishful thinking.

How could he forget that the one Xiao He liked was his mother. 

The Ayr that Xiao He had buried in the depths of his heart. 

How could he compete with someone who was dead, and who was his mother besides? 

Fan Shen frowned, pushed down his despair to the bottom of his heart, and said slowly, “Let’s take it as if nothing happened.”

Xiao He was startled.

Fan Shen looked up at him gently. “Since you want me to be your son, then I’ll just be your son, okay?”

Xiao He opened his mouth, wanting to say something, but when he looked at Fan Shen’s expression, he couldn’t speak anymore. 

Their trip came to an end, and the two of them went home. 

And Fan Shen really did just as he said, and continued to be his son.

Everything in their life was the same as usual, without the slightest change.

Fan Shen was as considerate and helpful as before, and he never crossed the line again.

But Xiao He couldn’t really act the way he did before.

He went back to the state of affairs where he lost sleep every night. His eyes stayed open all night long, staring at the ceiling, from nine o’clock when he got into bed until three or four in the morning.

When he was completely exhausted, he’d fall asleep at last. 

The days went on like this as if there was no end to them. Unable to sleep, Xiao He missed Ayr twice as much as usual, and he couldn’t resist picking up his brush and constantly painting him.

But as he painted and painted, he became a little afraid.

Because it became harder and harder for him to tell Ayr and Fan Shen apart.

They had the same features, their expressions grew more and more alike, and their eyes were full of the same deep affection.

A voice in his heart kept telling him that they were actually the same person.

But Xiao He didn’t dare to listen, and he didn’t dare to acknowledge it. It seemed like if he acknowledged it, he’d be reduced to a devil.

He had to cure Fan Shen, but now...starting on the task was beyond his capability.

He’d thought he had a surefire method, but it turned out to be full of holes.

Xiao He began to constantly blame himself, and he kept questioning himself. The more he went on like this, the less he was able to fall asleep. 

Losing sleep for several days in a row made him completely exhausted.

Xiao He really didn’t dare to think about this anymore. He could only pick up his brush again and keep painting and painting...but he didn’t dare to look at what he painted.

After another night of lost sleep, Xiao He was finally so tired that he fell asleep in front of his sketchpad before he could clean up.

First thing in the morning, Fan Shen came and knocked at the door. No one answered, so he frowned slightly and opened it with his spare key.

The scene that entered his sight made his frown deepen.

He knew that Xiao He had started losing sleep again, but for fear of him thinking too much, he had never come to see him at night.

But he hadn’t expected that he’d turn into such a mess.

Fan Shen sighed, bent over and picked him up, and placed him carefully in bed.

He was just about to lean over and tidy him up a bit when the entire stack of paintings fell over and scattered on the floor.

As soon as Fan Shen saw them, his pupils abruptly shrank.

He quickly stepped forward and picked up all of the paintings. He couldn’t conceal the pleasant surprise that flashed through his eyes.

Was this him? Him?

Was Xiao He drawing him?

The features were the same, but the body was completely male. This figure wasn’t feminine at all, so it couldn’t possibly be his mother.

Could it be...that he finally had a slight place in Xiao He’s heart?

It was such a pleasant surprise that Fan Shen's hand trembled slightly around the paintings.

Xiao He was only shallowly asleep, and at the sound of movement, he’d already opened his eyes. Fan Shen entered his eyes, staring at the paintings. 

His heart suddenly jumped. His biggest secret had been discovered, and Fan Shen was the one who discovered it. This made Xiao He panic completely.

“Don’t...don’t look.” He got up and tried to grab them. 

But Fan Shen easily got out of the way. He looked at Xiao He and made a great effort to suppress the hope in his voice. “Is this me?”

Xiao He realized what he was thinking, and his face immediately paled.

His expression fell into Fan Shen’s eyes, and like a bucket of cold water, it drenched all of his hopes and expectations and turned them into ashes.

This couldn’t be him. A few days before, Xiao He’s eyes had filled with despair because of his confession. How could he now…

Fan Shen laughed soundlessly, abruptly turned around and took the safe out of the closet.

When Xiao He saw this, his heart burned with anxiety. “Little Fan, don’t open it, please, don’t open it.” 

Fan Shen looked at him with a smile, but there wasn’t the slightest hint of warmth in his eyes.

His fingers moved a little, and once he’d entered the password, he easily opened this little box.

With a crash, the drawings within scattered all over the floor like a sky full of snowflakes.

Fan Shen looked down a little, and finally saw Xiao He’s heart clearly.

He thought that the one he liked was his mother.

But actually...it wasn’t.

Fan Shen casually picked up a drawing and asked lightly, “This is Ayr, isn’t it.” 

Xiao He’s face was already as pale as snow.

“It turns out you like men…” Fan Shen held up a drawing of two men lying curled up together and smiled mockingly. “No wonder you were so seductive after getting drunk, no wonder you made such pleasant sounds, no wonder...you were so infatuated with me.”

When Xiao He realized what he was talking about, his heart almost froze. So they really had done something that night…

Fan Shen approached him. The corners of his mouth held a smile, but his eyes were dark.

“If you miss him to this extent, miss him so much you can’t sleep, then why not come find me?” Fan Shen pressed his lips against Xiao He's ear and murmured ruthlessly with the voice of a demon, “Let me come satisfy you.” 

***

4 hours and 20 minutes for 2,438 words, or 10.7 minutes for every 100 words. An increase in rate by 1.9 minutes... 😓

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