Entering a Split Personality — Chapter 39

Thank you to the ever-supportive Mo and Lulith! 💛

***

This one short sentence tore open his chest like a sharp blade and pierced his heart.

Fan Shen's hand tightened around the phone, and his knuckles whitened.

He woke from his dream, and the reality he glimpsed was several times crueller than he’d imagined.

Fan Shen creased his brows, silently put the phone back in place, and turned and left, without making even the slightest sound.

Xiao He didn’t know about any of this. After he came out of the bathroom, he dressed neatly, took his drawing board and went out.

Xiao He took out his phone, sent Ayr a message and went to the garden ahead of him.

He had just set up the drawing board when Ayr arrived.

Xiao He was surprised at his speed, and he was in a good mood, so he smiled at him and said, “So fast.” 

The moment Ayr saw his smile, the longing and expectations that he’d had for the last few days were satisfied. He couldn’t help his eyes softening. He moved his fingers slightly, and they landed lightly on Xiao He’s shoulder. 

Xiao He frowned, wanting to avoid him, but Ayr didn’t do much, and only patted him lightly. This kind of behavior wasn’t considered an overstep even between friends. On top of that, he’d violated their bargain. They’d agreed to meet every day, but he’d delayed it for a week, and Ayr wasn’t angry. He felt a little guilty at heart, so he endured it.

But when this scene landed in Fan Shen’s eyes while he stood atop a high building, it was so piercing to the eye that his fingers curled up slightly.

So it was Ayr.

The first day that he’d arrived here, he’d investigated the circumstances of his mother’s family.

His mother had a younger brother named Ayr, who looked exactly like the man in the portrait.

Without a doubt, the one Xiao He liked was his uncle.

Fan Shen knew this, but at the same time he knew that Ayr was dead.

He died in an accident five years ago, and had never returned since then.

Dead men couldn’t come back to life, and Ayr couldn’t possibly have been resurrected. From the look of the current situation, it could only be that he’d never died in the first place.

Fan Shen wasn’t surprised about this.

He didn’t have a stable foundation in the Fan family. It was easy for someone to deliberately conceal something from him. 

It was just, why did they need to conceal it from him? And who had done it?

Fan Shen stared unwaveringly at the man who looked almost exactly like him, a dark haze staining his eyes. 

Ayr liked Xiao He. He could tell just from that blatant gaze of his.

Did Xiao He like him?

Fan Shen narrowed his eyes, resisting the suffocating pain in his chest. 

It wasn’t liking he had for Ayr, but deep love!

He thought of that safe, thought of those portraits, and thought of how Xiao He spent day and night constantly painting him.

It was all longing, desire, and a love so great it couldn’t be erased.

Fan Shen well knew that Xiao He loved Ayr deeply.

But he thought that Ayr was dead, and only he was left in this world. He treated Xiao He so well, and he loved him so much, so he thought that as time passed, Xiao He would slowly shift his affections and begin to like him.

Then they would share a lifetime together.

But now...everything was over.

Xiao He would never belong to him, and he’d even deceived him.

Betrayal struck at Fan Shen’s heart like a viper. At this moment, many details that he hadn’t considered before grew clear, obvious and horrible in his sight. 

It just happened to be seven days before that Xiao He had begun to change into someone with vitality, someone who liked him.

At the time, he’d felt that it was a little sudden, but he was so pleasantly surprised that he didn’t want to think about it too deeply. But now he looked back on it, and everything became clear.

Xiao He must have been currying favor with him.

In order to make him relax his guard, he didn’t hesitate to let him do what he desired. In order to lull him asleep, he didn’t hesitate to pretend that he liked and enjoyed this. For the sake of meeting with Ayr, he could even say so many words that went against his conscience. 

Fan Shen slowly recalled this, and his heart grew colder and colder.

He thought of the injury Xiao He had on his waist that time. He said it was from crashing into the drawing board, but was that really the case? 

At the time, he’d felt that the bruise looked vaguely like a hand, but Xiao He had had a natural expression on, and he didn’t like getting close to people, so Fan Shen had soon dispelled that idea. 

For a few days after the incident, he’d arranged for people to watch over Xiao He, but he’d never gone out of doors. 

It was only now that he thought about it that he felt it was so absurd and ridiculous. 

That wasn’t the drawing board, but Ayr, wasn’t it.

What had Ayr been doing, holding his waist so hard?

As soon as he thought of Xiao He being intimate with someone else behind his back, Fan Shen felt like his heart was about to tear apart.

Had he been kissing him when Fan Shen didn’t know about it? 

Had he been moaning underneath Ayr in a place he couldn’t see? 

While he was busy working for the sake of their future life, was Xiao He embracing Ayr and wrapping himself around him?

Jealousy and fury were like a raging blaze, instantly setting him aflame.

Fan Shen rarely had such great changes in mood, but now, as he sat atop the high building, his fist smashed into the railing and broke it into two with a bang.

He couldn’t stand to look at this any longer. Fan Shen got up and went back into the house.

***

Xiao He and Ayr got along pretty pleasantly.

It was just that when the hour ended, Xiao He still let out a breath of relief as if he’d been freed of a heavy burden.

It was finally over.

When Ayr saw the change in his expression, he felt bitter at heart, and couldn’t resist asking, “Do you like Fan Shen?”

Xiao He was startled, but he soon said, “I like him.”

A trace of hurt flashed through the depths of Ayr’s eyes, but he soon asked again, “If that’s the case, then why are you afraid of us meeting? What’s the conflict here?”

Xiao He didn’t make a sound.

Ayr said slowly, “If you can tell me, then I’ll leave for good, and I’ll never appear again, okay?” 

Xiao He suddenly looked up at him, his hesitance to believe this showing in his eyes. 

Ayr saw the pleasant surprise in his eyes. His eyes narrowed, and he sighed and said, “I wouldn’t lie to you, nor do I need to.”

Xiao He thought about it, and felt that this didn’t seem to be a big deal. If he could really deal with this once and for all, that would be great.

After all, it really wasn’t safe for him to secretly meet Ayr like this. If Fan Shen happened to accidentally see him one day, then it’d be hard for him to explain.

As for how to say this, Xiao He soon had an idea.

He dipped his head slightly and said softly, “It’s a little embarrassing, but if you want to hear it, I can tell you.” 

Xiao He took a deep breath, and finally said, “I’m not qualified to be a father, or rather, I should say that I’m a piece of trash as a father. I brought Fan Shen up to adulthood, and when he was little, I really took him to be my child. But as he slowly grew up, my feelings for him changed. I don’t know when it started, but in short, they changed. I didn’t dare to tell him, let alone show it.” 

He paused for a moment, then continued, “You know that I like to draw. I’m pretty good at drawing people, and I often drew what I thought Fan Shen would look like once he grew up. I gradually accumulated a lot of portraits, until one day Fan Shen’s background was revealed. He found these portraits and misunderstood, thinking that the one I liked was his father.”

Xiao He found that he was actually rather good at making nonsense up in a panic.

Ayr’s eyes dimmed slightly, and he picked up the thread. “But Fan Shen’s father doesn’t look like him, while I look exactly the same, so you’re afraid he’ll misunderstand and think that you like me?”

“That’s right.” Xiao He let out a breath. “If you two meet, he’s sure to think that you’re the man in the portraits. When that time comes…”

He didn’t continue speaking, but Ayr filled it in on his own. “So it was like this. Fan Shen has always been mistrustful. Even if you explain, he won’t believe you, is that it?”

Xiao He nodded, then looked at Ayr a little expectantly.

Ayr looked at his expression, and sighed in his heart. In the end, he’d met him a step late. If he forcefully took possession of him, it wouldn’t be impossible to have him, but it’d be even more difficult to obtain his heart. 

He felt frustration and regret, but Ayr wasn’t someone who couldn’t accept the truth. “Alright, I understand.” 

“Xiao He, goodbye, I won’t bother you anymore. But…” Ayr gave him a slight smile, “If he doesn’t treat you well, you can come find me. I’ll wait for you all my life.” 

Xiao He was startled, then he said slowly, “Sorry about all this.” 

He felt sorry for him, but Xiao He felt like it wasn’t too likely for Fan Shen to treat him badly in this lifetime, so getting together with Ayr wasn’t a possibility.

After he said goodbye to Ayr, Xiao He felt that he’d completely taken a load off his mind. On his way home, his pace turned brisker, and his mood more cheerful.

He entered the house with a smile on his face, and saw to his surprise that Fan Shen had returned. He couldn’t help showing his shock on his face.

Fan Shen had waited for him for a long time, so long the time had crawled by.

Xiao He had come back in glowing spirits and an exuberant mood. Why? Because he’d met with his beloved for an hour.

Look, as soon as Xiao He saw him, he was immediately stunned. 

He and Ayr had the same face, so why did Xiao He have to treat them so differently?

Fan Shen smiled lightly, suddenly rose, caught Xiao He by the waist and held him close in just a few steps, and then fiercely kissed those fickle lips.

Xiao He hadn’t come back to himself yet, and he was a little startled. He hadn’t figured out what was with Fan Shen yet, but he was in a good mood today. Once he thought of how he’d be able to stay with him without any scruples every day from now on, he didn’t want to fuss over it too much. 

Fan Shen was young, after all. If he wanted it then he could have it. He’d do it with Fan Shen.

He threw his arms around Fan Shen’s neck and actively responded to his kiss.

If he did something like this in the past, Fan Shen would've had enough scruples to slow down, turn gentler and guide him through their embrace.

But today, when he felt Xiao He’s response, Fan Shen’s heart felt like it had been pricked with a needle, and he was ferociously spurred to action.

Once he thought that Xiao He would treat Ayr like this, once he thought that he’d treat another man more passionately, there was nothing but darkness left in Fan Shen’s eyes.

Why couldn’t he belong to him?

Why couldn’t he belong completely to him? 

With a thought like this in mind, Fan Shen didn’t let go of him, and instead added a taste of blood to the kiss.

Xiao He finally felt his emotional instability, and he looked at Fan Shen, filled with doubt. 

Fan Shen didn’t give him the slightest chance to think things over. He roughly tore open the clothes that were in the way, and drove into him without any foreplay or warmth, with a strong desire for revenge.

Xiao He’s eyes abruptly widened from the sharp, tearing pain.

Fan Shen finally moved away from his lips, and Xiao He could speak again. “Little Fan, what’s wrong with you?”

Fan Shen’s movements didn’t stop. Even if Xiao He’s face turned pale, even if the scent of blood filled the air, it couldn’t stop the pain in his chest at all—a pain that felt like his heart was being torn apart, crushed to pieces and gouged out all at once.

“I saw it all,” Fan Shen said in a low, ice-cold voice full of hopelessness beside his ear. “You were with Ayr.”

 Xiao He felt like he’d fallen into a chasm of ice.

Fan Shen buried his head in Xiao He’s neck and continued, “Why did you have to lie to me? Even if you can’t give me anything, don’t lie to me, okay? Is it fun, giving me a bit of hope, and then pushing me into hell? Even if it’s all my fault, we’ve lived together for eighteen years. Why do you have to be this cruel?”

A ruthless thrust followed his words of despair.

But Xiao He couldn’t feel the pain of his body at all. He was completely occupied by the anguish coming from his heart.

He couldn’t see Fan Shen’s features, and he couldn’t read his expression, but just hearing his voice, he could feel the despair and sorrow in it, and even...a deep sense of powerlessness. 

His Fan Shen was in so much pain, all because of him. 

Xiao He’s body suddenly stiffened, and he threw everything else aside and embraced Fan Shen. He said quickly, “That’s not true, Little Fan, I didn’t lie to you. I like you, I really do like you!”

He kept explaining himself, but all that entered Fan Shen’s ears was ridicule and derision. 

Like him? Fan Shen couldn’t help but bite Xiao He on the neck. Why did he still have to say false words like this now?

He liked him, but this was completely different from the way he liked Xiao He.

How could liking be compared to love? 

There was no one who knew better than him how much Xiao He loved Ayr.

He loved him so much it was hard for him to sleep every night, so much he missed him every day. He loved him so much he had to take up his brush to paint him. He carried him in his heart, and constantly remembered him as the years slowly passed. 

Fan Shen had always known that he couldn’t hold on to Xiao He’s heart, but at least he had his body.

But now, he would soon have nothing at all.

He was hovering on the brink of collapse from despair, fear and the shattering of his convictions.

“Actually, it doesn’t matter.” Fan Shen suddenly turned gentle. He kissed him, touched him, aroused him and made him feel good, and then he said quietly, “It’s fine if you love him. You can take me to be him.”

Xiao He’s heart suddenly seized.

Fan Shen looked at him with a smile, his expression so gentle it aroused his desire, but the depths of his eyes were as empty as the abyss of hell. 

“Take me to be him, okay? Xiao He, I look exactly like him. Whatever he’s like, I can be like that too. Whatever you like, I can become. It’s fine if you don’t love me, treat me like him and love him, okay? I can become him. You can call me Ayr, you can imagine I’m him, it’s fine, it’s really fine. Only...don’t leave me.” 

The last sentence was shaded with indelible sorrow. 

Xiao He’s heart reached the peak of anguish, and his tears flowed straight down. He hugged Ayr hard and said loudly, “No, Fan Shen, I like you. I don’t love this Ayr, he isn’t him at all. The one I love is you, only you.” 

“Not him?” Fan Shen smiled lightly. “Even if I say it like this, you can’t treat me as him?”

“Right, why should you take me to be him?” Fan Shen’s expression was hollow, and his azure eyes were filling with the color of blood. “You have the real him, so why would you want a fake like me?”

“Don’t say this sort of thing, please, don’t degrade yourself like this.” Xiao He couldn’t control his emotions. He kept talking, but he couldn’t make Fan Shen listen at all.

“Since my existence has no value, why did you have to raise me?” Fan Shen said.

“Since you’ve never liked me, why did you have to give me hope?”

“I love you, Xiao He, why can’t you just belong to me?”

“I just want you, Xiao He, why do you have to love someone else?”

Fan Shen looked blankly at the man beneath him. There wasn’t the slightest expression on his refined face, but strangely enough, his eyes carried a hint of a childish smile.

“You’ll definitely run away.”

“As long as you have the strength, you’ll definitely run away.”

“I can’t hold on to you, so we don't need your legs anymore, okay?”

“Wherever you want to go, I can carry you there. I’ll be your legs, okay?”

Fan Shen’s tone turned gentler and gentler, and the smile in his eyes turned deeper and deeper, just like a child who’d finally gotten his beloved toy. His happiness was that pure, and his delight that simple, but it made a chill rise in the depths of Xiao He’s heart.

 

Xiao He realized what he was going to do, and there was panic in his eyes. “N-no...don’t, Little Fan, wake up, Little Fan, believe me!”

“No?” Fan Shen couldn’t hear anything else at all. “It’s still no?”

There was unconcealed disappointment and distress on his pretty face. This was much more touching than his expressionless face from before, but like a demon, he looked beautiful and harmless, but he was filled with deadly poison within.

“That’s right, you hate me. You don’t want to see me, and you’re not even willing to treat me as a substitute. Xiao He, you’re really the cruellest person on earth, but even so, I still like you.”

Fan Shen leaned down and pressed his head against Xiao He’s chest, listening to that pounding heart. He suddenly said softly, “It beats so fast, and it beats with such a pleasant sound, but...it just won’t beat for me.”

“Your heart, since it only beats for someone else, then we won’t want it anymore, okay?”

Xiao He’s throat suddenly tightened. The scene from last time rushed into his mind like a flood, and he started trembling slightly.

Things couldn’t go on this way, this absolutely couldn’t go on.

This was his Little Fan, the child he’d raised himself. He couldn’t let him suffer like this.

At the last second, Xiao He threw all caution to the wind.

“Fan Shen, I don’t care if you believe it or not, but the truth is this: Ayr is you, and you’re Ayr. You’ve been the same person from start to finish! The only one I love is you!” 

***

The author has something to say:

I asked for leave, and I said I’d update tomorrow, but after I finished rubbing this out I couldn’t resist, haha. I’ll publish this first and then see. But I have to say in advance that I might have to ask for leave tomorrow, pft! 

I saw that quite a few of you hate Xiao He, so um, calm down a little. Every pot has its lid, and every S has his M. Don’t just look at how he’s foolish and silly, he’s actually the only one who can cure Fan Shen. Swap him with someone’s who’s super smart? Okay, if I swapped him with someone smart, how could he take on such a scam of a mission? As for all sorts of unspeakable misunderstandings, I’ll explain them for Xiao He. If he told Fan Shen about Ayr, Fan Shen wouldn’t believe him, and it would only make things worsen earlier. And if he didn’t tell him, though he was thinking of dragging it out, if Fan Shen hadn’t accidentally seen his text, he might really have gotten away with it. After all, this Ayr gave up. Of course, Fortune’s ways are hard to fathom. (Get out of here!)

***

5 hours and 27 minutes for 3,540 words, or 9.2 minutes for every 100 words. An increase in rate by 1 minute 😔

With this, I've reached my hundredth post! 

If you like this translation, please consider encouraging me on Ko-fi! Extra chapter for every two ko-fis 💛

Previous   |   ToC   |   Next