Entering a Split Personality — Chapter 40

"Ayr is you, and you’re Ayr. The one I love is you."

Xiao He suddenly shouted out these words, his heart beating fiercely. 

He’d said it, he’d really said it, he said it without any hesitation, just like this!

Fan Shen rose slightly and stared at him. “What do you mean?”

His eyes were still as dark as the deep ocean, but there were a few ripples of light moving slowly in the depths of his eyes.

Xiao He understood Fan Shen, and he knew that he’d finally found the key.

He didn’t dare to delay any more, and he didn’t dare to wait. Xiao He told him everything.

“This might be a bit unbelievable to you, but I really am doing something like this.”

Xiao He’s throat moved slightly. He suppressed the nervousness rushing up from the bottom of his heart, and said heavily, “This world is fake. This is just your mental world, and my task is to come here and cure you.”

“Fake? Mental world?” Fan Shen gave a light chuckle, and the color of his eyes began to darken again. “Xiao He, do you still take me to be a little kid?”

“I’m not joking!” Xiao He raised his voice for once, until he was almost bellowing severely.

Fan Shen was pressing him down, and he couldn’t struggle free of his shackles, but his eyes suddenly brightened.

“If you don’t believe me, you can kill me right now. I won’t die, and I’ll come back again!”

Since he’d started talking, there was nothing to fear anymore. Since everything was a misunderstanding anyway, then he’d explain it clearly, explain it until it was crystal clear!

“My name is Xiao He, and I’m just a man so ordinary he couldn’t be any more ordinary. Because of an online questionnaire, I got a job curing a patient with a severely split personality. That patient is named Fan Shen, and he’s you.” 

Xiao He spoke loudly, and Fan Shen slowly narrowed his eyes.

If this was a joke, he had to say that it was really ill-timed. 

But Xiao He didn’t intend to stop. “I was asked to enter your mental world, and I met you in the first world. That version of you was called Ayr, and you were a silver-haired elf, the king of that place. I stayed in contact with you for a long time, and in the end I fell in love with you…”

Xiao He remembered it as he recounted the tale, scene after scene opening like scars. It hurt until the depths of his heart ached, but he had to explain this clearly.

“I fell in love with you, so I began to sincerely want to cure you. No matter what, I hoped that you could wake up in the real world, and I hoped that you could recover. So I came to the second world, but I hadn’t expected that I’d meet such a young version of you. I actually didn’t know your mother at all. It was all a coincidence. She fled to the street below my apartment, and entrusted me with you. Once I saw that it was you, I definitely wouldn’t let go of you, so I took you and escaped.” 

Xiao He fell into reminiscing, and he suddenly thought of that seven-month old little guy. His eyes softened.

“You were so small and so well-behaved. I knew you were Fan Shen, but I couldn’t see you as Fan Shen. I invested a great deal of my feelings, and spent more than a dozen years with you. But it was really just familial affection, without a trace of other feelings, until…”

Xiao He paused for a moment, and briefly went over what followed, but he actually didn’t need to say it. Fan Shen knew it as well.

Until Fan Shen’s identity was uncovered, and they began their relationship…

Xiao He looked at him and said, pausing after almost every word, “Maybe I used to see you as my own child, but how could I still have such thoughts now? You’re Fan Shen, and you’re Ayr—they’re both you. The one I like is you, it’s truly only you.”

When he finished telling him all of it, Xiao He felt a little apprehensive. Would Fan Shen believe him?  

And Fan Shen had been staring at him the whole time. After who knew how long, he finally spoke. “Then why is there still an Ayr here?”

Xiao He’s heart jumped. He knew that Fan Shen still didn’t believe him. He still had to explain.

But...as for why there was an Ayr here, Xiao He wasn’t too clear about it himself. According to reason, he shouldn’t possibly exist…

Wait a minute...a lightbulb suddenly flashed on in Xiao He’s mind, and he miraculously figured it out.

Fan Shen frowned. “I don’t understand.” 

Xiao He's eyes shone penetratingly from his sudden realization.

“Little Fan, this is your mental world, and it belongs to you. You knew that Ayr existed, so you subconsciously created a man like this. If we reason it out, according to logic, a grown man who looks so much like you can only be your uncle, so that’s why we have someone like Ayr!” 

Once he said this, Xiao He suddenly calmed down. It had to be like this. Only this could explain why a version of Ayr would appear in this world.

But Fan Shen’s expression didn’t change. “This is unbelievable.”

“It is…” Xiao He took a deep breath and continued, “This is indeed unimaginable for you, or I should say that it turns everything upside down, but it’s all true. If you insist on having proof…”

Xiao He gritted his teeth and decided that it was better to sacrifice himself. “I can kill myself, but don’t worry, I can come back and find you.”

Fan Shen didn’t make a sound.

Xiao He really decided to put himself through a bit of pain. In any case, when it hurt the most, he’d wake up. When the time came, he’d have Qin Su adjust the machine a little, and he’d still be able to return to this point in time.

Damn, the thing he feared most was pain!

Seeing that Xiao He was really about to act, Fan Shen stopped him.

“I don’t know if I should trust you or not.” He spoke softly, slowly burying himself in Xiao He’s neck.

Xiao He trembled slightly, but he felt that Fan Shen’s emotions had already subsided.

He was finally able to placate Fan Shen. This could be called a step toward success.

Fan Shen pressed close to his fair skin and continued speaking. “If what you say is true, and everything around me is fake, then am I still really living?”

Xiao He’s heart tightened, and he immediately said, “Of course! Fan Shen, you’re powerful in reality, very powerful. I’m not too clear about what exactly you do, but your subordinate was able to give me thirty million as a commission, so I assume you don't lack money.” 

Fan Shen stiffened slightly.

In order to put him at ease, Xiao He told him almost everything that he knew. He actually really wasn’t good at hiding things. Being able to pour out everything in his heart, he felt a great deal more relaxed and carefree, and he grew completely at ease. 

Fan Shen understood him well. This expression of Xiao He’s definitely wasn’t fake.

So...everything he said was true.

Fan Shen narrowed his eyes, covering up all the emotions within them. 

Xiao He was still thinking about what more he could say, but he soon moaned softly.

Fan Shen kissed him on the neck, his breath heating up more and more. 

Xiao He moved a little, and Fan Shen said in a low voice, “Don’t move.”

Xiao He didn’t move, but he felt a little nervous. Fan Shen’s previous affection had been too brutal, and Xiao He felt sore down there.

But to Xiao He’s surprise, Fan Shen was very gentle, so gentle it surpassed his imagination.

He had an unusually affectionate, long-lasting experience this time. Xiao He’s consciousness grew blurry. He did many things he wouldn't even dare to imagine, and he enjoyed unimaginable pleasure as well.

Ayr had always been very gentle with him, but they’d never done it to the end.

Fan Shen was younger, and he’d suppressed himself for too long, so his desire had deepened, and he had believed that Xiao He didn’t love him as well. He hadn't controlled his strength every time, and he inevitably left behind a little soreness. 

Xiao He had gotten used to it, and he was even able to enjoy himself despite it, but he was still a little afraid of pain in the end.

Now that Fan Shen suddenly treated him like this, Xiao He felt that his heart was beating nonstop, heating up and tingling. The intoxicating feeling made him forget himself.

They spent the night greedily enjoying themselves. This was Xiao He’s first time being this unrestrained, and this relaxed.

Even when Fan Shen wanted him to rest, Xiao He actually felt aroused again, and climbed on top of him for another round.

In the end, Xiao He was completely tired out. He fell limply down on the bed, unable to bother about the dirty fluids inside him, and fell asleep.

Fan Shen’s eyes were deep in color. He put an arm around Xiao He’s waist and carried him carefully into the bathroom, cleaning him up without rousing him.

When he was all clean, he carried him out again and placed him on the soft bed.

Xiao He slept soundly. He’d gotten a load off his mind, so he felt at ease, and he’d enjoyed Fan Shen’s affection, so he was satisfied. With the corner of his mouth slightly curved up, he looked like a cat who’d eaten and drunk his fill, peaceful and docile.

Fan Shen approached him and kissed him on the lips, but his eyes were full of grief.

If everything Xiao He had said was true, then how ridiculous was his life?

Everything he believed was false, everything he had was fake, and everything he saw and thought about were all lies.

Was Xiao He the only thing that was real? 

No...he was fake as well. He wrapped around Xiao He every night, kissed him every day, held him, embraced him, and tried to imprison him, wanting to dominate him.

But as a matter of fact, he’d never even touched his real skin.

Or rather, he should say he didn’t even know what he really looked like. 

How ridiculous.

Fan Shen smiled lightly. His eyes no longer held the hollow madness of before, but they’d lost their spirit, as if his soul had been drawn out.

Xiao He said he wanted to cure him, but how would he cure him?

What did Ayr do? 

Ayr destroyed that world for him.

So...did he have to destroy everything before his eyes as well?

If he destroyed all of it, could he touch the real Xiao He?

If he destroyed this world, could he have him completely?

If he made everything disappear, would Xiao He...belong to him?

Yes…

The depths of Fan Shen’s eyes were filled with soft love, like a great net covering the man in front of him.

He had to find the real world, return to it, and then have Xiao He for real!

A real, flesh and blood, distinct and complete Xiao He!

This obsession took on substance, soaring upwards and cleaving this false space apart like a great sword. 

Xiao He woke up abruptly and felt the earth shaking and the mountains shifting, the sky falling and the earth splitting.

What was happening?

Everything had been fine just now. What happened here?

Xiao He was bewildered, but he soon saw Fan Shen smiling.

Suddenly...Xiao He couldn’t make a sound, as if his throat was stopped up.

Fan Shen’s eyes held no despair or disappointment, only a longing as bright as the stars.

This world was collapsing, and this space was falling apart, but this all made Fan Shen feel gratified.

Xiao He hadn’t lied to him. This place really was a false dream.

He really was living in his own mental world.

Since it was like this...then he’d wake up.

Once he was awake, he could see the real world.

And what he wanted was the real Xiao He.

Xiao He’s eyes were full of panic and shock. He got up quickly, opened his mouth and shouted, “Little Fan…”

There were huge collapsing fragments behind Fan Shen that looked like broken glass. They reflected countless scenes, but each piece was incomplete, damaged and indistinct.

The man standing in front of those fragments was the only thing so clear Xiao He couldn’t move his gaze away.

He had black hair, blue eyes, a slender, sensual body and rare, exceptional features.

But at this moment, all Xiao He could see was the light wisp of a smile on his lips. 

Soft, gentle, and overflowing with boundless affection.

“Wait for me…”

***

The author has something to say:

I’ve made a huge mistake! So I’ll update first! This was the chapter I’d saved for tomorrow, and I hadn’t finished rubbing it out yet, but I’m someone who courts disaster, so I posted the new chapter of that Seed novel here. There’s nothing I can do but replace it, muah muah muah! Tomorrow’s update definitely won’t be on time again, wahh!

***

Long Qi’s referring to another novel of hers, Seed World, which is as of yet untranslated. 

2 hours and 48 minutes for 2,271 words, or 7.4 minutes for every 100 words. A decrease in rate by 1.8 minutes! 🎉

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to go from biweekly releases to weekly ones... I'm taking four classes this quarter, and I just can't keep up with releasing two chapters per week. Sorry, y'all. It'll just be on Saturday from now on. OTL 

If you like this translation, please consider encouraging me on Ko-fi! Extra chapter for every two ko-fis 💛

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