Entering a Split Personality — Chapter 89

banoffee: This is the most chapters I've ever uploaded at once...whew 😮‍💨 Managed to finish updating just before my flight ✊Thanks again to Socia for the wonderful support! 😊💛✨

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A single sentence made Xiao He widen his eyes, completely astonished.

What...what did he mean?

Fan Shen said lowly, “For as long as I can remember, I could hear other people’s hidden thoughts. Whether I wanted to or not, I could hear all of it. Even if it was the dead of night and everyone had fallen asleep, I could hear their voices as they dreamed, fantastic, grotesque, shameful and unspeakable, everything...I could hear it all. I plugged my ears, I put on music, I hated that I couldn’t deafen myself, but it was useless, all useless, nothing could stop it…”

Xiao He had never seen an expression of such pain on Fan Shen’s face, but at this moment, he felt the same way.

In an instant, he understood everything, understood it completely.

It was actually like this. It was unbelievable, but...Xiao He inexplicably had no doubts.

Fan Shen could hear other people’s thoughts, so ever since he was small, he had received far more information than the average person. It had made him mature quickly, but it had also given him far more pressure than an ordinary person could bear. 

Hearing other people’s thoughts sounded like an ability many people would long to have, and it was indeed powerful enough to make others afraid.

Xiao He had to say that with a power like this, it would be easy to succeed. After all, no one could guard against him.

However...this ability’s side effects were also so powerful ordinary people wouldn’t be able to take them.

People’s hearts were cross-sectioned, and their numerous and complicated thoughts exposed.

No matter how kind the person, there would be moments when they were taken over by a negative state of mind. Even a genuinely good person would have a dark side.

They wouldn’t reveal their dark side, so other people wouldn’t realize it was there. But Fan Shen could feel it.

He perceived goodwill, malice, the despicable shamelessness within affable elders’ hearts, and the cruelty and bloodthirstiness at the bottom of the hearts of people who seemed mild and harmless…

All these various contrasts would make someone doubt human nature.

It was no wonder.

Fan Shen had loving parents and a complete family. He’d never suffered any hardships since he was small, but his personality had split, and it had split to the degree that he wasn’t willing to wake up.

Xiao He was afraid he’d go crazy after experiencing only one of those days filled with darkness, pain and despair, but Fan Shen had held on for decades.

He had held on until he was completely weary, and finally fell asleep without waking again. 

Xiao He was trying to wake him up, but once he woke up, he’d have to continue living like that, enduring those cruel, immeasurable, endless days.

He finally understood, Xiao He finally understood.

He understood why Fan Shen said that after he woke up, he’d lose him.

Xiao He and Fan Shen got along well in the mental worlds because Fan Shen didn’t know what Xiao He was thinking at heart, and he couldn’t hear Xiao He’s inner voice.

He was uneasy, apprehensive and misunderstood him this way, but he tasted the happiness that an ordinary person should have.

And it was because it was like this that Fan Shen could easily fall in love with Xiao He, a Xiao He who loved him wholeheartedly.

If he woke up and returned to reality, then without a doubt, he’d be able to hear Xiao He’s thoughts as well.

There was no question that Xiao He loved Fan Shen deeply.

However...the human heart, the human heart.

Even Xiao He couldn’t stop his own ideas, moods and thoughts from emerging.

He loved Fan Shen, but unintentionally, carelessly, in the space of a millisecond, he would think of other things.

Private things that belonged to him alone, and that his lover shouldn’t know.

But if he were with Fan Shen, he would no longer have any secrets.

Could wholehearted trust exist in a situation where one side could easily listen to the other’s thoughts? 

They loved each other deeply now, but once they returned to reality, time would pass and their thoughts would wander under these unequal conditions of interaction.

No matter how bone-deep their love or how indelible their affection, it would be worn down until it was nearly exhausted. 

When that time came, they wouldn’t be parted by death, but by something even more terrible—extinguished feelings and dying hearts.

Dazed, Xiao He felt a little afraid at heart.

He couldn’t imagine...a time like that, an ending like that.

Fan Shen couldn’t hear Xiao He’s thoughts, but looking at his expression, he knew that he understood.

A burst of bitterness spread from his heart. Fan Shen embraced him and whispered in his ear, “You understand, right? If we’ll end up in a place like that, then I’d rather come to a stop at this moment.”

Xiao He didn’t make a sound, but he understood Fan Shen’s feelings. 

If they were destined to grow estranged and even sick of each other, then he was also willing to preserve their most sincere feelings, and let their love bloom forever in its most brilliant period.

Why did it have to be this way? Xiao He couldn’t describe the despair stirring in his heart.

They said that in reality, a married couple’s feelings would gradually fade as life went on, but Xiao He knew that his and Fan Shen’s wouldn’t. If this ability to read minds didn’t exist, he and Fan Shen could make it to the end together. No matter the hardships, no matter the suffering, they would stay together until they were old and gray-haired.

But...they couldn’t.

Xiao He couldn’t even believe in himself.

He was a human being, and a human being couldn’t prevent their heart from having a dark side for one or two moments.

He could easily adapt to such a dark side by himself.

But if someone caught a glimpse of it…

He didn’t dare to imagine it.

Xiao He trembled. He’d thought that if he found the crux of the issue, he could cure it from the root.

But he’d forgotten that Fan Shen was a hundred times smarter than him. If there really were a way to solve this, Fan Shen wouldn’t have been willing to give up.

Was there really no way out? 

Xiao He hugged him tightly and suddenly said, his voice low, “I’ll stay with you, okay?”

Fan Shen abruptly stiffened.

Xiao He said without interruption, “Fan Shen, since it’s like this, neither of us will wake up anymore, okay? I’ll stay in your world, and we can be together every day, for all our lives, forever.”

Xiao He spoke on softly, and slowly, as if he’d found hope, a bright light burst forth from his eyes. “Yes, Fan Shen, we can do it like this. We can be together like this, and we won’t be separated.” 

As Xiao He spoke, Fan Shen’s lips showed a trace of a bitter smile. “Xiao He, there’s not a moment that I haven’t thought this. I could trap you here, imprison you in this place, paint a world that belongs to us and live in it forever.”

“That’s fine, I’m willing!” Xiao He said urgently.

“But...Xiao He.” Fan Shen looked at him, his blue eyes filled with deep love. “You’ll die. Your life, which should’ve lasted several decades, will come to an early end because of a coma like this…”

Stunned, Xiao He suddenly realized the key of the problem. “If you don’t wake up, you’ll die too, won’t you?”

“Yes. If I lose myself in a mental world for a long time, my vital signs will gradually disappear. If it weren’t for you, I might’ve died long ago. You saved me, but...I’m really not willing to wake up.”

“I’m sorry, Xiao He. I love you, really love you, so I can’t wake up. If I wake up, I’ll lose you forever, so I’d rather go on sleeping like this.”

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The author has something to say:

It felt great venting it all out this morning~ If I don’t have anything to do in the afternoon, we’ll continue! Muah! I’ll go eat lunch first. 

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banoffee: 1 hour and 57 minutes for 1,397 words. I edited it in only 5 minutes, a new record, cause my flight starts boarding in fifteen minutes. 8.4 minutes for every 100 words, an increase in rate by 1.5 minutes 😔

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